Never what we plan

It's technically not my birthday anymore, but since I've spent the last 30 hrs or so celebrating and haven't slept today it still feels like it so I'm going to operate as such for this post. I'm 27 today, and I am no where that I thought I'd be on this birthday. I'm searching for so many things, I'm not sure if I can even define what I have as my life. It's more like a shell of what I thought my life would be, either that or an outline that I haven't filled. Guess that really depends on if I listen to my pesimistic nature or the optimistic voice of reason. I haven't decided which yet, but my instincts...my thoughts ... my brain...they just won't shut off. All these what if thoughts, might be paths, could've been pasts all seem to be converging on right now. It's crazy to think about really and somehow I can do nothing but.

I have spent the last 7yrs trying to earn my stripes, travel up the ranks, make my way. And despite everything, I ended up where I started. Ended up staring at my roots and what I really want or don't. Dreams look different when the paths change, atleast for me. People look different too.

And honestly, I'm not sure how to deal with that. I keep hoping that I can live in the moment, be happy with today. We're not promised tomorrow right, but how does one do that. How does one open themselves up to all that each day, each experience, each encounter has to offer without derailing their plan and all the effort and lessons of their past? How does one give all of theirself and not float on the hope of tomorrow? Dream of next? Fall...

I ask myself these questions today, and all the questions each of the originals generate. I ask myself where I want to be, who I want to be and then I laugh at myself...common thought is in and of itself a contradiction. Maybe life's just that, a cosmic contradiction. So for the next year of my life, the start to my "late" 20s, maybe I'll just ponder that...